No changes have been made except to correct spelling and add paragraphs to make it easier to read. The original is handwritten on both sides of 7 pages of notepaper. I started a paragraph whenever it felt like a new thought or story began.
Felt presence in room and felt it wanted to help me. Felt I was in a hopeless situation with no way out. Gave up trying to find a way and asked God to help by showing me what I needed to do. Was very depressed and felt helpless with no will of my own. The “Presence” which I felt with me said by direct thought into my mind (no voice) that I was not strong enough or brave enough to do or to take all of the experiences I would have to go through to get well. I said I would do or take anything to get well because I was in so much pain. “He” said I would have to forgive my father for all the things he had done to our family [note: her father was very abusive].
This took me by complete surprise because I thought I was feeling so depressed because of the miscarriage of my baby and some other things (sins) of my own. It also made me very angry because I hated my father and the very last thing in the world I would have ever thought to do was to forgive him. Never, never. And that is what I said – never I will die first. And the “Presence” said “OK – I told you that you couldn’t do what you needed to do. You’re not strong enough or brave enough.”
I thought about that for a while, maybe a week or so. And I kept feeling worse – I was in a lot of pain that is hard to explain. Finally I said “OK – I can’t do this myself but if you are God, you can give me whatever I need to be able to do it if this is what must be done.” And the “Presence” said “Yes.”.
And the day came when I went down home and I was in the living room with just my father. I said “I forgive you for all the evil things you have done to your children and to my mother.” I said it right out with no explanation or discussion leading up to it. My father became very angry and I though he was going to have a stroke. He never said a word to me – just got up and went upstairs. This was in the summer and for a long time when I went down home he would get up and leave. He wouldn’t stay in the same room with me.
Then we got a new minister at our church. I hadn’t been going for awhile because I felt so bad. He came out to the house and asked me to come back to church. No one in the family had noticed that anything was wrong with me but he saw it right away. He told me very quietly that it would all turn out all right. And I believed him. I started back to church.
On the 24th of December I was in my room and suddenly a huge light came and just enveloped me and I seem to go up in the air and became part of it. At first I couldn’t tell if it came down or I went up. It was almost instantaneous but I merged with it and then time was not there anymore. There was no time. The light just seemed to spread out and encompass everything in the whole universe and I was a part of it. It was everything – all living things and also everything else. And the light was love. It was warm and beautiful. The most beautiful thing I have ever known. The universe is a united whole – united by love. That makes it work and binds it all together. My mind seemed so much more clear about things afterwards – because I had felt very confused.
On Christmas morning there had been a very soft beautiful snow storm and the whole world was so beautiful it made me cry. It seemed to be illustrating the song “Silent Night, Holy Night”. Everything was so calm and peaceful and so clean and white and beautiful. This was a miracle of some sort which I can never explain. I had spent the night caught up in this light and a lot of what I felt there must have stayed with me when I returned – I was very much still in an ecstatic state for at least three days afterwards. Some people that I met during this time had halos around their heads and their faces shown with some of this light. No every one – just some here and there. Some of the people I knew and some I didn’t - some were young and some were old. And I felt filled to overflowing with love myself. It was like being in the center of a Niagara Falls of love.
Then after a while I came down and I felt very bad because it was taken away from me. I felt cold and almost dead like. Then the hard part of it began. The “Presence” was still with me but it had always had more of a teacher type of feel not this loving thing. We could take to each other in thoughts. And I remember saying or thinking “See – I did it, I forgave my father – is this a reward?” And He said “You didn’t do anything – you just let me do it through you.” And then I felt as if he left me and slammed the door. I felt so bad. To go from being so filled with love to not having any (or not much).
Then I had to go through a long period of being taught and shown what I had done wrong in my life and where I was very wrong in my thinking as well as in my actions. This is very hard and humiliating. Usually I would be shown why I had to experience these things as they happened. I was told that He whom the Lord loves he chastises and that God purifies his children separating the good from the dross. Like melting iron to take out the impurities. It is very painful. When I felt real bad I would sometimes feel a little bit of love in my soul. And somehow I could “see” love in the light – in sunlight. Again it is hard to explain but I guess for me both God and love will always be light, symbolized by sunlight. That is somehow written on me and I can never forget it. I am sure that is where we go when we die – into the light. But I also know that God is in the dark – or what we think of as dark. It is dark because we turn our backs to him instead of our eyes. Also God is like a mirror. When you see Him you see yourself – but you see yourself “darkly”. And you see your flaws – both your sins of contentment and also the things you should have done and didin’t.
I began to hunt for books to explain to me what had happened and to try and see if it had ever happened to anyone else besides the people in the Bible. Part of my “teaching” was to see these Bible characters as if there were as alive as I – they seemed to be right here with me. I could almost see St. Paul when he was blinded and Stephen when he was stoned to death. They were very real to me. After I would ask questions in my mind and I would be told, sometimes, that the answer was too hard for me and not to worry about it.
This Presence or Teacher could be very hard on me. The minister of the church had done some things that were wrong and I begain to hear some gossip about him. One night I was deep in thought about that and feeling very bad because he was not the perfect person I thought he was. I kind of felt that he had betrayed me by not being good. And into my mind came this thought: “How dare you expect someone else to live up to your ideals when you can’t live up to them yourself?” That is a hard question but a very good one and a very true one. I had no right to judge him (or anyone else ever).
This whole process took over a year and I still learn some new hard lesson usually between Christmas and Easter. In a way it has never stopped. I have had the following items of a mystical experience with this: 1) Unity with God 2) Self-transcendence 3) Timelessness 4) Ecstasy 5) Conversion. These five things are all present in all mystical experiences and also near death experiences. I had learned a very real reverence for life and that the only thing that counts is what you do for others. It does not need to be a big thing in the eyes of the world – just something that helps someone else to go along life’s way. It has made me very grateful for my life – even though my life is so flawed. There are so many things I would do differently if I could. But each of us can only do what we were shown as children. We can do different when our eyes are open and we awake and understand.
God can forgive us for the things that were wrong but He can’t change them or completely wipe them away. He can’t change the consequences of our prior choices. If you skip school and miss the lessons then you will flunk the test. Flunking the test is the effect of your choice to miss school. But we can learn the lesson later – we each must start where ever we are. We are the result of many people’s choices before we could choose for ourselves. We are responsible for our own choices after we know this.
Another thing I got from all of this was that the world looked so beautiful I could hardly stand to see it. The flowering trees in the spring and the fall leaves were almost over powering for me for years. This was very much in content like a near death experience except I was awake and except for Christmas Eve never felt out of my body. It was very slow and took years. What looks very much like a life review took at least a year itself.
I have never felt unhappy or alone. I don’t like to use my time in ritualized things – either religious or social. They seem so shallow and a waste of time. I see God in my garden and feel I am doing a service for Him in raising my butterflies. They are also God you see and as such need a place to live. When we destroy nature and the environment we are destroying God – I could cry when I see the rattlesnake round eyes and all that type of killing. I am so glad we are working to save the environment. This is no accident. We will be very sorry if it goes. I don’t know what lessons I have yet to learn but I know God really is love but he is also stern.
I think a church steeple is a symbol of the way the light came to me. This experience comes to many people every generation and in all types of religions around the world. There are examples of it written down and also in very old paintings. It changes a bit for each type of civilization but it is still always the same. Always the light, working up or being born again and that God is love. It is almost as if we are being molded. I don’t know if our souls are reborn again to learn the lessons we missed but I do know the lesson we must learn is to still our will so that His will can become one with ours. That was Eve’s sin – no so much that she ate the apple, but that she did her own will instead of God’s will. She was willful instead of being grateful for all of the other things that God had given her. If we are ever perfected our will will be God’s will and we won’t know the difference. We will do what we want and it will also be God’s will for us. And that will be heaven. I don’t think it will ever come for me – I am still too willful after all the time He has taken with me. Even with all of this I still find myself doing the things I shouldn’t and not doing the things I should. But so did St. Paul. He was also a very willful person.
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