On The Third Day

That first day, my brother John arrived in PA in the evening with his wife and they stayed in my parents’ house (after ventilating it thoroughly, of course).  My brother Bob was on the next plane out from California and I can’t remember exactly when he arrived, but he was definitely there – also staying at my parents’ house – by the third day.

I’d been up at my parents’ house every day since it happened, as more and more out of town relatives arrived.  But the morning of the third day I remember most.  My dad, my sister, and my two brothers and I were sitting around in the living room, right after I got there.  I noticed we all had the same goofy looking inappropriate grins so I broached the subject.

“You know, I’ve been having the most intense experiences of Mom’s presence the last few days …”

I’d opened the floodgates.

“She’s in the house!” my father insisted.  “She was in bed with me last night!  I felt her get in bed, I felt her lying there, and I felt her get in and out of bed all night, just like she always did!  It was unbelievable!”

“And that’s not all,” added John.  “She can move things.  We lost Dad’s cane, OK?  It’s been pretty confusing over the last few days.  I wasn’t sure if we’d left it at the hospital or what.  In the meantime I gave him Mom’s cane to use.  Just before you got here Dad was walking down the hallway going one way, and I was walking down the hallway going the other way.  I looked at him and he definitely did not have either cane.  A few seconds after I passed him I felt this urge to turn around.  I did, and there was Dad, standing there with his cane in his hand!  I swear – we tore this house apart looking for that cane and it was nowhere to be found.  And Dad has no idea how it ended up in his hand.”

“Yes,” agreed Dad.  “I was just suddenly aware that I was holding it.”

“I can sense her and I can hear her walking around the house,” said my sister-in-law.  Everyone nodded excitedly.

“I had a lucid dream last night,” said Bob.  (A lucid dream is a dream where you are aware that you are dreaming – a conscious  dream).  “It was about her funeral!  Henry [my son] was supposed to play violin but we couldn’t find the violin, and you [pointing at me] were up front stalling for time while we were hunting for this violin.  Everything was going wrong – it was a disaster, but there was Mom in the background, laughing and laughing!  Rolling on the floor laughing!”

It was later that afternoon when my brother John actually SAW her.  He was at his in law’s house, lying on the sofa taking a brief nap.  With all the funeral preparations and things going on he was exhausted.  He woke up from the nap and saw her.  He said he didn’t really remember seeing anything besides her face.  She looked very happy, smiled at him, laughed, and disappeared.

“I know why she chose me to see her,” he said.  “It’s because we always used to sit there and argue about the existence of life after death.  She was laughing because she finally won that argument, hands down!”

Ground Zero - The Day That (Re) Started It All

June 11, 2009

My mother had her knee replaced due to rheumatoid arthritis the week before Christmas in 2008.  It was a difficult decision for her and being a retired nurse, she was well aware of the risks with this surgery, and also well aware that she would soon end up in a wheelchair without it.  She was also beginning to experience memory loss and other signs of approaching dementia.  Her mother had Alzheimer's and we believe that is part of the reason she decided to end her physical life at that time.  She was struggling with many paranoid fears, including being terrified of having to go through the experience of having my dad die.  Her passion in life was her garden, and due to the arthritis she could no longer work in her garden.  The straw that broke the camel's back was the bad reaction to the pain medication they gave her after the surgery.  She was very ill for 2 months afterwards and never really recovered.  They put her on an anti-depressant medication.  One of the risks during the first few weeks of use is increased risk of suicide.  We do not know for sure if this was a factor.  If she was taking it at all, it was in small enough quantities to not register on the toxicology reports.

She first mentioned suicide to my dad during the worst weeks of this post operative illness.  She wanted him to go with her.  He made it clear that he was not participating.  She did not bring it up again and appeared to be slowly recovering.  We thought she had moved beyond this idea.  But she hadn't - and it was obviously very well planned and carried out, and rather unbelievable when you consider she was in the beginning stages of dementia and could only get around using a walker!

I remember well the day before it happened.  She called me that afternoon - I was working on a batch of cotton bonnets for a local historical site (I make historical clothing).  We talked for a while - she sounded like her old self again.  It was a very happy, uplifting conversation.  The next door neighbor heard her sitting on the porch talking on the phone all afternoon.  She called practically everyone she knew.

That night, she got out of bed after my father was asleep.  She laid out all of their insurance and financial information neatly on the bed in the guest room and wrote suicide notes to every child and my father (including a note for my son).  She then proceeded to the garage where she sealed every last crack and crevice with duct tape and paper bags - she even duct taped the door back into the house shut from the inside.  She took an ambien (sleeping pill), started the car, and went to sleep in the front passenger seat.  She had a bottle of water and her cell phone with her. 

The next morning my dad woke up feeling that something was really weird - all the lights were off, including the ones in the bathroom they leave on all the time so that they don't fall if they get out of bed at night.  She wasn't in bed so he got up and started looking for her.

At this point I should insert that all week she had been calling my sister - who lives nearby - to make sure she was coming over on Thursday morning!  She planned to have my sister find her.  This is the only part of her plan that didn't work.

So my dad is wondering around the house.  He can't figure out where she is!  He goes outside and looks around the yard, then sits down on the porch swing and thinks.  The only place he hasn't looked is in the garage.

So he goes down and tries to open the door.  It's stuck!  He pulls harder, the door finally opens.  A huge, hot cloud of carbon monoxide nearly knocks him over.  He could see her in the car.  He went in and shut the car off, then took her pulse.  Realizing what just happened, he left quickly and called 911, then went outside to wait in the fresh air.

Zillions of paramedics and fire trucks descended on the place.  They called my sister and being close, she went to the house right away.  They also go ahold of my brother in DC and he left work and started driving back to Pittsburgh.  Nobody could get ahold of me because I was in the doctor's office getting an EKG.  I had just started a weight loss program.  This event gave me a big jump start - I eventually lost 50 pounds (and I am keeping it off).

They got ahold of me while I was driving home.  I didn't wreck!  But I did call the school - it was the second to last day - and picked up my 10 year old son Henry.  Since Linda (my sister) was already holding down the fort at the house, my brother John asked me to go to the hospital where they took Dad.  He had a mild case of carbon monoxide poisoning and they were admitting him to the hospital as a precaution - he was 87 years old and has a heart condition.

Henry and I got there while he was still in the ER and were relieved to find that our cousin Karen was already there with him.  Soon after they moved him to his room Linda arrived, the paramedics and police having finished up at the house.  We were all just sitting there talking when this overwhelming presence of my mother showed up.  I couldn't see her, I just felt her.  In a huge way!  I excused myself and went into the bathroom and did I what I thought you were supposed to do.  I told her I was very grateful for the experience but that I didn't want to hold her here or prevent her from moving on to whatever she was supposed to move on to.  She answered me - not in words but ideas - about how unbelievably happy she was to be rid of that diseased body!  And look - our relationship hasn't changed!  Appearing in my mind's eye at about 17 years of age, she could dance, she could run, she could sing!  She was full of wonder, ecstasy, and bliss.

So there I was in what I expected to be THE WORST EXPERIENCE OF MY LIFE, on cloud nine due to her energy overload.  I felt like I was wired to an electric fence.  Energy coursed through my body.  I couldn't sleep - I could get into a semi-meditative state, but she was there.  Spoken and written words appeared in my mind in tandum, but they were garbled (I later learned that this is a side effect of learning to do this communication - it happens when you are near but not on the correct frequency).  I would wake up with this energy coursing through my arms.  I had to take a Tylenol PM to finally get some sleep!

The next day my body reacted like I expected - I couldn't eat or relax and I broke out in at least a dozen cold sores.  But emotionally I was all tied up in her ecstatic energy.  We are meeting with the minister and funeral people and all this is happening, and I am afraid to tell anyone but my husband!  I prayed a great deal giving thanks for this experience.  It was strange, it was difficult, but I was so relieved to KNOW BEYOND ANY DOUBT that my mother was OK.

Stay tuned for the next installment - we compare notes and discover we are all freaks!